Barbecue Blog

BREAKING NEWS !!!

LEGISLATIVE ALERT !!!

The Americans With No Abilities Act

Washington , DC – (Dateline February 18, 2009)

President Barack Obama and the Democrat-controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills, knowledge or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the intelligence, competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer – Democrat. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability
(POI) to be ridiculed, passed over for promotions, or even worse – fired – for no reason except for their lack of any ability or motivation to do any given job. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing or a willingness to learn it."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi – Democrat, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid – Democrat – pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.

Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability. Harry Reid pointed also to the public school system as another long-time leader in the field of providing secure employment opportunities to POI.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against POI include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, highway public works departments, and the Department of Motor Vehicles both have excellent records of hiring Persons of Inability (93%).

Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance while building self-esteem and providing more candidates who will eventually be promoted into actual senior management positions with even higher salaries and even fewer actual responsibilities.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable or unproductive employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to other businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. Utility and cable companies, followed closely by computer customer support departments, are lobbying to have past such hires become eligible for these tax incentives.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, such blatantly discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any particular skills, knowledge or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,"said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her chronic inability to remember "rightey tightey, lefty loosey." Gertz added, "I shouldn’t have to be a rocket scientist to keep my job and this new law should be real good for people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and be able to secure well-paying, tenured jobs just like other people who simply are more motivated and productive but otherwise identical to workers such as Gertz.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat-IL), "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges and benefits that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every other American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

"You’re supposed to sit on your *** and nod at stupid things.
Man, that’s hard to do."

long but funny